My Forever Journey

Many of you may be familiar with the song “Best Part” by H.E.R. featuring Daniel Caesar. It happens to be one of my favorite songs. I’ve listened to this song at least one hundred times but there was this one time that as I was singing the portion of the song that says, “If you love me, won’t you say something?” that stuck out to me. Largely, “Best Part” is considered a secular song but as clear as day I felt the Spirit of God say “April, if you love me, won’t you say something?” I was shocked and at a loss for words. At the same time, it made perfect sense.

I was shocked because this was a secular song, so why would I receive a message from God while listening to this specific song? I can’t answer that question but this experience does confirm that God works in mysterious ways. I think deeply about the track I was on in life which was referenced in my previous post “Frustrated to a New Level” and I can understand why to an extent.

I was so caught up in my own mess, He had to reach deep down where I was (in my sin) to save me. Oh God! That’s so powerful!

For me, He met me where I was; He cared that much about me. God was holding me accountable. How can I say I love God and love the things of the world just as much? How can I say I love God and be stuck deep down in sin? How can I say I love God when my life truly isn’t representative of that?

If you notice on my feature image above, it asks, “Do you love me? Yes or no.” I remember when I was in grade school and we’d pass notes to our crush, our notes looked similar to this. They typically didn’t say love, preferably the word “like” but as many coin today, we boldly “shot our shots!” I chose this feature image with purpose because if you notice, there is no “maybe” box which completely eradicates grey areas.

I have been a grey-area-lover-of Christ for far too long. What I mean by grey area is that I loved Christ at my convenience. I’ve manipulated our relationship and abused His grace. I participated in a relationship that was beneficial to me. I misused talents and displaced my gifts. I’ve promoted worldly desires while simultaneously unraveling my eternal treasures. I’ve prayed prayers of forgiveness and repentance with a precarious intention of doing the same things.

God was clearly calling me to action and my spirit was constantly reminded as I kept hearing, “April, if you love me won’t you say something?”

I realized that I had wasted efforts on fruitless endeavors and exhausted myself trying to run away from what was already destined for me. So now what will I do? I don’t have a concrete plan with elaborate details of everything I can do to live my life in a way that displays my love for God but I have committed to giving my life to Him and letting Him take care of the rest.

I began to understand that I didn’t have to do some great work and reach the masses but instead I realized that I could do my part and that God would make it great and captivate those it needed to. My recent blogging has been an attempt to display the fact that I love God! I know there’s much more in store but this is a start. I encourage you to tune your ears into what God is saying because He will speak to you. If you love God, how is your life saying it? God bless you on your journey!

You ever felt like everything was wrong but nothing was really wrong at all? I know that question was awkwardly posed but read it again. If you don’t understand yet what I mean give me a moment to expound the purpose of my question.

Lately, I’ve been frustrated. When I say that I’ve been frustrated, I mean largely frustrated with everything in my life which brings me to confront the latter part of my question first, “but nothing was really wrong at all?” What was I really frustrated about? I am a 31-year old woman and I have the pleasure of mothering my beautiful son Peyton. I am a 13-year cancer survivor. I am an elementary school Science teacher with a Bachelor’s in Journalism and a Master’s degree in Elementary Education. I was even afforded the opportunity to publish my first book For My Good. I have amazing and supportive parents, family, and friends. I take trips occasionally. I read, write, binge watch my favorite TV shows and even lay out on the beach regularly. What can be so frustrating about my life when it seems like I’ve got it all together?

I am a Christian and as many others I have an awareness that God has purposed me for something.

At first, I didn’t definitively know what that something was. Honestly, I avoided learning my purpose because if I knew what it was, then I’d have to be held accountable. As a Christian, I have an obligation to God to not only seek out my purpose but to also walk in it. I realized that if I was going to walk in my purpose then I had to abnegate some things from life. Do you know how hard it is to remove things from your life that you really want? It’s extremely difficult and it feels almost impossible at points but I had to own up to “my stuff” no matter how painful.

I would like to shift the focus to the front end of my question “You ever felt like everything was wrong?” Yes! I’m now in a season in my life where what the world says about me or even if I think I’m successful (according to my own standards) isn’t even satisfying anymore.

Everything is wrong and I’m frustrated with it all! Why? Because God has more!

 "For God's gifts and His call are irrevocable" -Romans 11:29 

This verse shows the momentousness of the calling we have on our lives and is confirmed numerously throughout scripture.

Being completely transparent here -I found myself frustrated (more than normal) at my job, within my parenting (at points), in my finances, with my book sales, and overall with myself. In an aforementioned paragraph, it seemed like I had it all put together. This goes back to my previous blog post “The Good” where we constantly confuse God’s good with worldly good. Yes, all the things I mentioned earlier seem good and may in fact be good but until I accept God’s will and purpose for my life then I’ll never truly be successful. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”- Jeremiah 29:11

The most difficult part of my journey towards my purpose is fear and letting go of some bad habits. Innately, we’re born into sin; it’s human nature. The ability to stop what comes naturally (our sinful nature) requires not mere discipline but the power of the Holy Ghost.

I’ve gotten to points where I’m constantly convicted, tired of letting myself down and praying for repentance for the same sins, and always wondering why I find myself in the same situations when I know better. I feel like the closer I got to walking in my purpose, the greater the attack from the enemy.

“If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”-James 4:17. So to know God’s standards and His ways and not to do them is worse than someone who is lost. To know my calling and gifts and not use them for my purpose and the uplifting of the Kingdom of God is detrimental; it’s frustrating and in the long run it has caused me to grow weary.

“You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.”-James 4:4

This verse contributes to accountability. For me, it definitely brings an awareness to how imperative it is level up and walk in my God-intended purpose. This has been by far the most arduous battle in my life but living my life the way I had been has actually led me to the next level. Just because I decided to dedicate my life to God doesn’t mean I won’t suffer or that I won’t get frustrated but it does mean that my suffrage won’t be in vain.

I’m ready to level up! I’m ready for more. I’m ready to walk in purpose. I’m ready to live a more meaningful life and most of all, I’m ready to do God’s work!

I hope that my transparency and honesty encourages you to vigorously seek your purpose. I pray that you find purpose even in your frustrations. God bless you on your journey!

In my own life, my interpretation of “good” is associated with what is just or right.  As a Christian, I believe in God. God is good, upright, just, and righteous. I believe that by giving my life to Him and allowing Him to use me to pursue the calling He has for my life that I will be used for His good.  My son is what I consider to be good.  Having loving and supporting parents, family, and friends are good. Seeking and achieving education is good. I can go on and on about the many things in my life that are associated with the term “good”.

However, people’s interpretation of good varies because of what I’m getting ready to say. Growing up, I always thought everything that was good was of God. You know, like you’re ten and you pass your spelling test with a 90%- it’s good. When I graduated from eighth grade with the highest averages in three out of four subjects- good, right?  Or when I graduated from high school with a 3.8 GPA, won local scholarships for college, and attended Winthrop University- all still good, right? Through life’s experiences and reading a novel entitled Good or God by John Bevere, I learned that everything that appears good to us does not mean it’s in direct correlation with God’s goodness.

Human nature has a way of distorting what is actually good. The story of Adam and Eve in the bible is about Eve’s attempt to feed her husband Adam an apple from the Tree of Knowledge and Evil after being tricked by a serpent.  God explicitly instructed Adam to not eat from that specific tree. Eve gives the apple to Adam from this tree and they both ate. They disobeyed God and He finds out. If you think about it though, as humans, Adam and Eve thought the fruit (the apple) was visually appealing; to them it looked “good” so they ate from it. If it didn’t look good then they probably wouldn’t have eaten from the tree to begin with.

How many things in life simply “look” good to us? If sin came with all of it’s dysfunctions and disadvantages upfront and didn’t look good then we’d probably be more careful about sinning or possibly would avoid it altogether.  It’s really important for me as a Christian not to simply decipher between right and wrong; that’s easy. It’s to distinguish between what is God’s good and worldly good. They are two very different types of “goods”. One type of “good” is eternally motivated while the other is temporarily motivated.

My challenge for you is to really analyze your life and determine what’s God’s good and worldly good. Remember, this will be a process because innately sin is interwoven into our very beings so I encourage you to pray to God. Lastly, ask yourself, “Am I in search of God’s good or do I accept anything that appears to be good?” It’s a life-changing question. God bless you in your discovery.